The Year I Became a Philosopher...
It’s the end of the year so I’m feeling reminiscent.
There are several reasons why I decided to write this,
First is I just finished writing EOTY mails and I’m feeling nostalgic in a way, which is reinforced by the fact that I recently had a secondary school reunion with a few of my old classmates.
It just reminded me of a me that existed before that still in fact exists.
The process of moving through phases and becoming ‘better’ with age is in it’s way bittersweet but I fear I may have gone about it the wrong way. A bit of TMI here but I absolutely hated secondary school, sure I did amazingly well in school, frequently top of the class and all that but I hated it. And after secondary school ended I avoided any thought of that place and even aired a lot of my classmates that texted me except a few ones. You guys are amazing btw if you happen to read this.
Anyways the thing that ties this whole thing in a perfect little bow is that before I was going to make a post about mantras that got me through the year with particular emphasis on the the one that I came up with whilst washing plates and contemplating what to do with my many, many interests and basically being a scared cat and it is “ You’re losing out on experiencing progress because you’re obsessed with perfection’. At the time I took it to mean I was refusing to start something because I was too much of a perfectionist. But after hanging out with my old friends and in fact having fun I realised that I have in fact been obsessed with being a perfect version of Tomilade that I didn’t get to savor my years of progress. Yes I progressed but I didn’t experience it. I didn’t live in it. I was so excited to shed my skin and become better that I scarred myself instead and that hurts. It was like a cursed merry go round because I was moving forward quite alright but I kept coming back to the comfort of being shy and scared. I was constantly depressed because it felt like no matter what I was still that awkward, shy, yet loud girl from Secondary school. I was a mess of contradictions and I still am.
Which brings me to the second mantra I absolutely embodied in the last months of this year ‘Embrace Vanity’. This comes in different forms and the one I chose to take is to be self obsessed and vain which led me to be softer with myself in some ways. I wish I could say I stopped analyzing people’s behaviours towards me and I just lived which in itself is selfish but honestly being a walking emotional regulator is very exhausting.
So anyways my point is everything is open for interpretation, if something is not working for you, maybe interprete it differently and it’ll work out. On that note, Happy Last Day of the Year.
See you next Year
Yours Truly
‘Tomilade
P.S: I recently discovered this artist Woodlock and their music makes me feel like coming home to a green room so check'em out.
